Co-dependency: when the whole family is ill

While one person is using, the other gradually stops living a life of their own. This is not weakness of character and it is not your fault — it is the predictable result of living alongside an illness for years.

The signs that show co-dependency has taken hold

Your mood each day depends on the state he is in: sober, and you can breathe; using, and the day is ruined. You check his phone, his pockets, his bank statements. You rehearse in advance what you will say at his work and to your relatives.

You have given up your own plans, holidays, friends and even your own doctor’s appointments, because “this is not the time”. You know more about his affairs than he does, and you carry responsibility for decisions that are not yours to make.

You have promised yourself many times that this was the last time, and every time you have rescued him again. And the surest sign of all: you are reading this page instead of him.

Why care begins to work for the illness

The illness lives on for as long as somebody else pays for it. A debt paid off, a missed shift covered up, apologies made to relatives, money handed over “just for the essentials” — every one of these acts removes a consequence the person was due to meet.

Consequences are the only thing that really gets through to a person with an addiction, because denial turns every argument aside. When they are taken away each time, the moment of asking for help simply never arrives — and the illness quietly goes on getting worse.

This is the hardest part of any conversation with a family: stopping the rescuing looks like cruelty, when in fact it is the only form of help that works.

What to do instead

Separate the person from the illness. Helping the person means treatment, a roof over his head, food, support for sobriety, taking part in the programme. Helping the illness means money for substances or gambling, clearing debts, covering for him at work and with the law.

Set limits you can genuinely hold. One limit you keep is worth ten you announce. If you are not prepared to move out, do not threaten to.

Take back your own life: sleep, medical care, work, friends, simple pleasures. This is not selfishness. Someone at breaking point cannot pull anybody else out of an illness.

Ask for support. Our specialists work with families separately, in person and remotely — the telephone numbers are on the main page of this section.