How to persuade someone with an addiction to accept treatment

This is the question we are asked more than any other. The short answer is that a first conversation rarely succeeds, but you can stop doing the things that close the subject down for months at a time.

What not to do in these conversations

Arguing about the diagnosis. The exchange “you are ill” — “no, I am not” has no winner, because denial is not protecting an opinion — it is protecting the drinking or the drug use. The more evidence you bring, the more firmly the person shuts down.

Shaming. In addiction, shame does not motivate; it works as a reason to use once more, precisely so as not to feel it. The same goes for exposing someone in front of the rest of the family.

Issuing an ultimatum you will not carry out. “One more time and I am filing for divorce”, said for the fifth time, teaches exactly one thing: your words mean nothing. An empty threat is worse than no threat at all.

Promising a reward for staying sober — money, a car, being allowed back home. The illness accepts such terms readily and then breaks them, and you end up being the one in the wrong as well.

What actually works

Talk about facts, not labels. Not “you are an alcoholic”, but “on Tuesday you did not collect our child from school, and I had no idea what to say to the teacher”. A fact cannot be brushed aside as easily as a label, and it is facts that build into a picture the person eventually sees for himself.

Talk about yourself. “I am frightened”, “I cannot live like this any more”, “I do not know what to do” — none of this can be argued with. Denial has no answer to your feelings.

Have somewhere ready to go. The worst outcome is to win agreement and only then start looking for a centre. The window of consent is narrow: arrange things with us in advance, so that when “all right, then” comes, all that is left is to set off.

Talk while the person is sober. A conversation held during use is not remembered and carries no weight, however much truth is said in it.

Working with a motivational psychologist

If your own conversations have stopped achieving anything, that is normal and very common. Roles have settled in the family over the years, and the person hears your words not as an argument but as the continuation of a familiar quarrel. An outside specialist is not part of that system, and that is why he is heard differently.

The motivational psychologist works by telephone, and a visit to your home can be discussed if needed. That decision is taken after a conversation with the family rather than blindly: sometimes all it takes is a change in the way you speak.

Call us and describe the situation. We will tell you honestly whether there is anything to work with in your case — including when the honest answer is that for now you need to wait and not apply pressure.